An Act of Pure Selfishness

I have come to the conclusion that it's time to wean Amelia. I know that some people may see this as almost unforgivable, but there are many reasons. I'll tell you about a few, not to excuse myself, but so that you might understand the torment that has gone into this decision.

1. Amelia has been a champion eater since she was born. This is in stark contrast to Felix, who struggled the entire time he breastfed. Even nursing well, it hasn't been a great experience. I've had one terrible yeast infection (the pain associated was excruciating) and one plugged milk duct (again, the pain - this time on the other side). But despite generic health, I've been in constant discomfort (those who have nursed will surely remember their own experience).

2. I own one bra that fits. It cost me $40 and I can't afford another one. It was the biggest one they had in the store. I'm sick of shopping at specialty stores for things that barely fit.

3. Amelia has started on food besides milk. She LOVES food. Anything she can get in her mouth. She loves cereal, hard things to chomp on (no sign of teeth yet) like carrots, soft things to chomp on (she really liked the tree of broccoli I gave her this weekend), and she'll lick everything to death if she can hold it that long. 4. Amelia has a bad habit or two associated with nursing. The first she developed was to chomp down and then yank. Thank goodness she has no teeth yet or there might be blood. Seriously, yeowch! The other habit is to only eat on one side. I haven't figured out what her deal is, but that can be painful too, especially first thing in the morning.

5. I can't lose weight. I can't even begin to express my dissatisfaction with my body right now. I know what to do, but I can't nurse if I'm going to do it. I saw myself in a mirror yesterday and was purely disgusted with my reflection.

6. I'm in near-constant pain. I blame this on a few things, most notably the weight and lack of sleep. Interestingly, the weight and the sleep are tied together too. When I weigh less, I sleep better. The poor sleep, tossing and turning, is killing my back, and I'm having more and more headaches from the sleep deprivation.

7. I've been told not to take my RLS medication while nursing. I guess this is tied to #6. I'm sick of my legs twitching all the time. I dream about getting good sleep. That may seem difficult, but you could almost call them day-dreams. I'm not really all the way asleep.

8. Tied to all the frustrations (sleep, weight, nursing issues) is a general crankiness. It's made worse by my feeling that I have no control over my life. I see myself taking that frustration out on my family and it makes me really sad. I don't want to be cranky anymore. I don't want to be sad and angry and in pain.


So, that's it. This is my "new year's day". My resolution is to lose about 50% of my current body fat. That may seem like a lot, but I've got plenty to lose. I'm guessing it'll end up being about 100 pounds. I don't especially like talking about how fat I am. But I need your help. I need your support and your understanding. I'll need you to please keep the temptations away as much as possible. To encourage me appropriately. To sympathize with the struggle. I'm sure most of you do silently already to some point.

I will be posting my progress here. I'm going to start by weaning in the next week or two. Softening the blow to Amelia is a large store of milk I have in the freezer that I pumped when she was a newborn. As soon as that weaning is complete, I will embark on the weight loss. I'm serious this time. Because I'm desperate this time.