It's tough to post when things seem to be at a standstill. Today would have been day 7 for no apnea - the goal so she could go home (only one of the goals actually), but she had another episode last night. So we're back to day 1. Kari assured me that when she comes home I'll be able to treat her as a baby and not as a patient. That sounds wonderful to me. The extra week does not.
Amelia has been ordered to nipple feed only 4 times a day. In between those feeds, she gets her milk through the gauvage tube. Mostly, though, she has only been taking a tiny amount from breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, so even for those 4 nipple feeds, she's having to get milk (most of it) through the gauvage too. Kari really does think that Amelia has been fighting off what I had. She said that she's sure Amelia would be a lot worse off if she wasn't getting my milk because it has the antibodies to help her fight off the sickness.
Thankfully, I'm still getting tons of milk. I even gave away a bunch of it because I heard of some babies in need. Brent told me that the occupational therapist recommended saving all my milk for the first month before giving any away just to make sure I had enough. As long as things hold, I won't be running out anytime soon though.
Yesterday we had an extended family get-together and then I spent some serious time with Amelia. Then I went to play with friends. I can't even begin to express how wonderful these friends of mine are or how much I needed their company yesterday.
Today after learning of Amelia's latest apnea I spent some good time crying. I thought long and hard about the direction of my life and the people in my life (including my babies) and how different everything is than I would like. No matter how well-intentioned I might be, I will always fail at my life if I try to take over. I have to constantly remind myself that the Lord is in charge. He really does know best and temporary upsets are both for my good and indeed temporary. And it really could be worse.
I have family who supports me, friends who care deeply, a husband who does honestly want me to be happy, and two of the world's cutest babies. What more could I want, right?