For some reason I find myself reverting back to teenager-hood with all sorts of insecurities and doubts that plague me. I don't know that there is a trigger for this mental behavior, but I do seem to go through it every couple of months.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself. When I was a kid my family moved a lot. This forced me to choose one of two reactions - don't make friends because we'll be moving soon, or make all the friends you can as quickly as you can because we'll be moving soon. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm an extremely friendly person. Obviously, I chose the latter of the alternatives. I forced myself to become outgoing because I was lonely. And I do such a good job of making friends that it's hard to tell that I still have deep insecurities about it. Basically it boils down to this: I'm still afraid of rejection.
I love people. I find them fascinating and inspiring and all that other good stuff. And when I think of it too hard I start thinking how people couldn't possibly find me all that interesting. I think that I must be forcing a friendship on them. They already have friends. They don't need me.
Now, I know deep down that this is just silly. We all need each other. I know there really are people out there who love me through all my weirdness. But like any other female, I have to deal with hormones and a giant inferiority complex. So I have to convince myself that I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it! people like me.
For a long time I would force myself through the initial parts of a friendship, figuring that if we got past that part then people might just decide they like me and want to be my friend. And then I got scared and decided that if someone didn't seem to return the friendship then I had to back off because obviously they weren't interested.
So here is what I realize... I'm not the only one who fears this rejection. I'm not the only one who hopes that people will love me through all my weirdness. I'm not the only one who wants friends. I'm not the only one who is afraid to come on too strong.
I'm sorry if I still seem to back off and you do really want my friendship. Besides feeling massively tired most of the time (sleep exhaustion, mother is thy name!!!) and still trying to find a balance between working and the world's cutest baby, I'm still afraid that if you don't respond immediately then you don't want me to keep trying. Of course, being a new mother, I understand that sometimes other people are just tired and overwhelmed too. I just have a hard time seeing the difference sometimes. "Is she tired and overwhelmed, or has she decided she doesn't want to be my friend?" That's a question that I find myself silently asking constantly.
I love my friends. I love the people who have graced me with their friendship. I am awed by them continually for their hard work, their determination to survive and overcome, their willingness to let an outwardly friendly but secretly shy and scared hormonal girl come into their lives.
Thank you for letting me grow with you. Thank you for being patient with me. It is greatly appreciated.